"FLAG ON THE PLAY”
A man who doesn’t like sports raises a few red flags. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, it’s a problem. Can this breed of man even be trusted, where were they born, how did they grow up? Didn’t they throw the ball around with someone as a kid, hop on their bikes and head to the park for wiffle ball? Maybe they are cloned by the government for some type of top secret experiment? The idea of these men existing seems more unbelievable to me than both The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy.
I am not suggesting a guy should know every player on every team’s statistics, belong to a fantasy football league or own an HD sports package like some sports crazed men out there. However,not having the urge to put on the game is like a women not having the shopping chromosome. I just see it more fitting for a guy to not only look fantastic sporting a Tom Brady Jersey but to be able to rattle off the teams offensive and defensive third-down efficiency and conversation rate.
So maybe you’re a guy who is into other things, ok I get it, your sophisticated and sensitive because you love wine and art and don’t want to gain wait eating the chips and dip on Football Sundays. But lets’ face it a man not knowing just a little something about sports, well it’s simply………… UNAMERICAN!
“NO PARKING ZONE’
A man should be able to parallel park any sized vehicle anywhere, from a smart car to a monster truck, on a dirt road, or a newly paved street. It’s just part of the man gene. He should know how to accurately determine the car size to space ratio in a glance. Straight in straight out. Ok, one failed attempt may be acceptable but a man attempting to parallel park for a third and fourth try should surrender his man hood on the spot. Throw up the white flag, leave the car where it is and have it hauled off by a tow truck along with his dignity.
“COCKTAIL ANYONE”
There is just something about a man who drinks out of a straw that makes me cringe. You know the kind- the dainty skinny little cocktail straws that have a hole as small as a millimeter in circumference. With every sip through the tiny straw a piece of masculinity is stripped away, he mine as well use a sippie cup. How does one even drink through those straws anyway-It takes at least one minute for the liquid to make its way from the glass to your mouth.
The way I see it, there are only a select few occasions it’s socially acceptable for a man to use a straw. Here they are:
1. He broke his jaw and his mouth is wired shut
2. Drinking an ice coffee/milk shake
3. Drinking a large scorpion bowl(even this is on the fence)
And just for fun I will add a funnel to the socially acceptable straw appearance list! After all it is just a very long thick straw!
So men do yourself a favor, drink from the glass, do some light reading with a sports almanac and perfect the spiral, and practice your parallel parking in between a couple of cones!
My hat is tipped to all you beer drinking from the bottle sports crazed men who know the size of your vehicle and can park it on a dime!
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