The date resistant shoe!

I don’t like crocs period! I honestly can not see myself having anything in common with women who would purchase a pair because they think they are cute. Is it not bad enough that people are wearing petroleum-derived foam gardening shoes to places other than the garden but they jazz up the holes with “croc accessories” to draw more attention to the fact they are wearing a petroleum-derived foam gardening shoe to places other than the garden?. They come in every color imaginable but look terrible with every article of clothing ever made. They can not be paired with a denim miniskirt, a pair of leggings a gap tee or even sweatpants. They should just slap a LEGO tag on them since they can be mistaken for one. They may be resistant to odor but they are also resistant to getting a girl a date! There is only one word that should describe a shoe and it is “Fabulous” not Anti-bacterial”!!!

THE WAY I SEE IT.....

"FLAG ON THE PLAY”

A man who doesn’t like sports raises a few red flags. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, it’s a problem. Can this breed of man even be trusted, where were they born, how did they grow up? Didn’t they throw the ball around with someone as a kid, hop on their bikes and head to the park for wiffle ball? Maybe they are cloned by the government for some type of top secret experiment? The idea of these men existing seems more unbelievable to me than both The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy.

I am not suggesting a guy should know every player on every team’s statistics, belong to a fantasy football league or own an HD sports package like some sports crazed men out there. However,not having the urge to put on the game is like a women not having the shopping chromosome. I just see it more fitting for a guy to not only look fantastic sporting a Tom Brady Jersey but to be able to rattle off the teams offensive and defensive third-down efficiency and conversation rate.

So maybe you’re a guy who is into other things, ok I get it, your sophisticated and sensitive because you love wine and art and don’t want to gain wait eating the chips and dip on Football Sundays. But lets’ face it a man not knowing just a little something about sports, well it’s simply………… UNAMERICAN!

“NO PARKING ZONE’

A man should be able to parallel park any sized vehicle anywhere, from a smart car to a monster truck, on a dirt road, or a newly paved street. It’s just part of the man gene. He should know how to accurately determine the car size to space ratio in a glance. Straight in straight out. Ok, one failed attempt may be acceptable but a man attempting to parallel park for a third and fourth try should surrender his man hood on the spot. Throw up the white flag, leave the car where it is and have it hauled off by a tow truck along with his dignity.

“COCKTAIL ANYONE”

There is just something about a man who drinks out of a straw that makes me cringe. You know the kind- the dainty skinny little cocktail straws that have a hole as small as a millimeter in circumference. With every sip through the tiny straw a piece of masculinity is stripped away, he mine as well use a sippie cup. How does one even drink through those straws anyway-It takes at least one minute for the liquid to make its way from the glass to your mouth.

The way I see it, there are only a select few occasions it’s socially acceptable for a man to use a straw. Here they are:

1. He broke his jaw and his mouth is wired shut
2. Drinking an ice coffee/milk shake
3. Drinking a large scorpion bowl(even this is on the fence)

And just for fun I will add a funnel to the socially acceptable straw appearance list! After all it is just a very long thick straw!


So men do yourself a favor, drink from the glass, do some light reading with a sports almanac and perfect the spiral, and practice your parallel parking in between a couple of cones!

My hat is tipped to all you beer drinking from the bottle sports crazed men who know the size of your vehicle and can park it on a dime!

SCRAM!

You woke up late and on the wrong side of the bed, got stuck in massive amounts of traffic on the way to the office and screwed up a monumentally big project for your boss! Not all the chocolate, rainbows and butterflies in the word could put a smile on your face after this kind of day. The only one true thing that could cure a day like this from its entire atrociousness is a night out with your closest friends. One of those nights when you just want to laugh so hard until you pee your pants a little, share mindless banter about nothing. The last thing on your mind is small talk with men you are not the least bit interested in, this can only add to your aggravation for the day. Going back and forth with question and answer like you’re a contestant on the dating game is not on the night’s agenda. Sometimes you really just want to be left alone!

So your at the at the club/bar/lounge, laughing ,dancing what have you when you notice that unwanted persons/creeps are trying to make way into your group. Your subtle attempts to drive him away are just not registering in his brain because it’s overcrowded with thoughts of “I need/want to get laid tonight”. He’s not giving up and refuses to believe he doesn’t have a shot.

In my experience I have witnessed most women do the wrong thing here making their night stressful. She’s most likely thinking to herself “I don’t want to be a complete bitch, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea, so if he offers me a drink I will graciously accept, walk away and hope he leaves me alone” WRONG!!!! This thought process actually makes me chuckle! My thought process and strategy is of course not the above.


Never under any circumstance be drinkless. I don’t care if you just finished the 12th step of the program, hold water. Being empty handed is his way in; all creeps bring their “C” level game using the “U need a drink” technique as a segue to asking you lame question after lame question. Do not accept the drink he offers with the hopes of being left alone for the remainder of the night. He will find you; it’s as if the bar charges an extra $10.50 for the option to have a liquid form of LoJack put in the drink. You want to accept the drink; be prepared to accept your fate for the night; he’s not going away!

Just don’t stand alone. You are like bait to sharks in open water. The creeps will keep circling around you getting closer and closer until finally they attack you with a cheap pick up line. An actual shark bite would probably be less painful than some of the lines I have been prey to.
Don’t be the bait; surround yourself with friends having an organized structure and defense like a Lion part of a Pride!

If the first two are unavoidable and all else fails there is only one method left. Unfortunately for him this is where your alto ego "Ms. DB" must make a brief cameo. If he is persistent in his efforts, thinking he’s “The Little Engine that Could”, laugh and literally tell him; “Pal, you are clearly the Little Engine that Couldn’t”. He will probably disappear so fast they will be calling you the next David Copperfield! And Please ladies do not feel bad after the fact, if he didn’t get the hint after his one two many meek attempts failed; his feelings should not even be under consideration.

Sometimes we just want to left alone; trust me men you would know if we wanted to be your bait, drink your drink, or give your engine a go!

SEX 101.2

I’ve beaten you men up pretty good and you have all been great sports! So this one is for you!

The things women do in bed that are just down right absurd based on stories I have heard from friends of the male species
Sex 101.2

So you have met one of the sexiest women you have ever laid your eyes on, your dying to get her between your sheets. You’ve wined and dined her and the night comes when she finally gives it up.
Only the goods she is giving up aren’t worth the money you spent on the cab ride you put her ass in……

The Crier- You thought bringing this woman to your bed would be as hot as taking a trip to Tahiti, but turns out to be more like a barrel ride over Niagara Falls, with tears putting out any sparks that were flying! What about good sex could possibly bring a woman to tears? The condom breaking, maybe it even getting lost somewhere in their dark abyss, or maybe she is in bed with one of the men I described in sex 101? These are the only logical reasons I can come up with. If your hormones are that out of wack please seek medical attention, get put on an antidepressant STAT, or carry a Hershey bar in your bag to cure any type of estrogen overdose! Call me crazy but I don’t believe a stream of tears is going to turn him on for round 2!


The Game Show Host –She asks you question after question, making you feel like your a contestant on Hollywood Squares! She usually starts off with "What are you thinking right now?” What is he thinking? When most men are having sex, they are thinking about one thing and one thing only, F****** YOU for as long and as many ways physically possible! They are not thinking about white picket fences, rainbows and butterflies. They have one goal in mind; we all know what that is. So please stop the madness, leave the questions for Bark Barker and Bob Eubanks.

Catch of the Day OR NOT- Star Fish, dead fish, however you dice it, we all know it’s NOT GOOD! She just lays there not willing to actively participate in the activities while you are sweating profusely doing all work trying to move her limp body around. Leaving you feeling like you ordered the Lobster but got the Scrod! Girls the odds of men owning a waterbed these days is pretty much o-none, so you are going to have to do the moving around on your own!

The Mute with Hearing Loss- She is as silent as Clarice wants the lambs to be. You have absolute no clue what she likes because she is completely unresponsive to all your moves. You tell her again and agin what you like, and what you want her to do, but she suddenly is hearing impaired. This girl would definitely cast for the leading role if Hollywood remade Helen Keller!

I think I may create a dating website for these women and the men I described in sex 101, they would be matches made in heaven, and I would most definitely make a fortune!

Women are just good like that!

Multitasking- Why is that when men partake in a single task they can only do that one particular task at hand? Ok, ok I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt two things in conjunction with each other; eat and watch TV. It’s not even worth it to stop them in the middle of doing something as simple as browsing the internet to ask them for an answer to a question that may require thought. The typical answer usually is “I'm doing something”. Women are experts at multitasking. We can juggle, fold laundry, solve calculus problems, and cook a dinner all simultaneously while consoling our BFF on the phone who just had a fight with her boyfriend.

Breaking the routine- it’s no secret that most men stick to a daily routine. Sleep, eat, work, workout, eat and sleep. To even consider breaking the pattern seems like it could cause terror and sudden panic in their lives. Asking to make plans during their regularly scheduled gym time, forget it, that would be like asking Tammy Faye Baker to wear less makeup. As if that one extra day in the gym is going to put them in the running for Mr. Universe. Women can break out of habit without causing mass confusion to their lives by changing their schedules around. You need a women to be somewhere, she will do 8 minute abs before hitting the pillow!

The subtle stare- Men DO NOT comprehend nor utilize this approach. Men will stare at a women they are attracted to no matter her whereabouts; while we are eating, sitting at a red light, the gym, or on a train. Lacking flair when it comes to being subtle. Men usually opt for the dead on full-face stare. It’s as if they paid admission to an art exhibit and need to get their money’s worth. What they seem to forget is the object they are looking at is actually a real person; WE CAN SEE YOU! You are not character out of a comic book that possess’s the power to turn himself invisible. Women usually go for the subtlety factor, a glance out of the corner of the eye, or quick glances at an intermitten speed to spare the object of our attention of feeling uncomfortable.

I guess women are just good like that...no matter what is is. Anything you can do, we can do better!

SEX 101

You met the man of your dreams, he’s smart, funny, stable and gorgeous. He couldn’t be more perfect if you made him yourself.

That night finally comes when you are going to sleep with him for the first time. You know its going to be amazing! But then, something goes horribly wrong…………

He ends up being one of the following guys, or even worse all of them in one.

Bob the Builder- Drilling faster than a jack hammer trying to break through a block of cement in the heart of the big dig, this guy makes you feel like maybe he should be wearing a hard hat in addition to the condom .  Hasn't the truth been spread by word of mouth enough in cities all across the world for men to finally understand that this “technique” is NOT a good time had by all.

EMT/Pie Eating Competitor – You mine as well say “ready, set, go” for this one he dives in so fast head first to where "he thinks" your so called "G" spot is with no guidance. However instead of being pinned with a first place blue ribbon, this guy is more likely to end up in last place on our list of most enjoyable bedroom moments. Along with his speed he usually applies an absurd amount of pressure with his face as if he is compressing a wound to save a life.

Physical Trainer- Right when you are feeling amazing and things are going so well naturally he starts placing you in awkward position after awkward position, changing the fluidness of things. At this point you are so perplexed by how he could possibly think this is a good time for you. Granted we all know switching it up is fun, and making your partner happy happy is key but this type of experience is more mimicking a Pilate's class leaving you to question if you should leave him a tip for the workout.

One last thing, I can’t categorize this one, but NEVER under any circumstance no matter how good the sex was say “thank you” to a girl after the fact. Our vagina is NOT a soup kitchen.

Boys I am pretty sure If you are “doing” any or all of these things in the bedroom chances are she won’t want to be “doing” you again!

Lesson Learned!

The single most important lesson I learned in college!

The memory is so vivid if I close my eyes I can still smell the perfume I was wearing that night.

My two best friends and I headed to an off campus house party. When the three of us arrived at the party and walked in like we owned the place. Three-college freshman, we were confident, fearless and maybe just maybe a tad bit to cocky. With ease and charm we quickly engaged in conversation with the parties host, and guests. And became the center of attention. About an hour in to the party I saw something come out of the closet that looked like what could be a bong, but only this particular one looked like it was put through a cycle of steroids. Standing about 3 feet tall it was massive. My two bests were eager to jump at the chance to take their turn. Me on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to temp my fate with it considering I had already had one to many cocktails. I thought, do I really want to do this?? How does one even smoke it; climb the couch and mount it like an apparatus of sorts?
Well Of course following a few comments from the peanut gallery I hopped in for my turn at the mega sized glass tube.

At this point, I definitely felt off, was not myself. Dizzy and drunk, I tried to fit in with everyone dancing. I then turned to my friend and said “Jesus she’s fat, and she needs to move out of my space” referring to the girl dancing next to me who resembled a super bowl winning linebacker in size. She immediately turned to me and gave me a stare so evil that if looks could kill the party would have had a 187 on their hands. Me an all of 100lbs soaking wet falsely feeling like superwomen due to the excessive indulgence in party favors felt compelled to tell her my exact thoughts. So I said “you’re fat, and get your ass out of my space” My heart was pounding, but what else could I have done, she heard me, there was no turning back.

This is how the next few minutes went down………..

She backhanded me so hard in the face my head snapped back like pez dispenser and my knees buckled under me. It was lights out sally. The next thing I knew I was on the ground with one of my best friends standing over me asking me if I was ok. No, I’ wasn’t ok. With blood all over my face and my favorite shirt all I could think was “my nose better not be broken, and my favorite shirt is ruined”

So what’s the lesson learned here? Your probably thinking, don’t drink too much, don’t smoke dope. NO these are NOT the lessons I learned.

The lesson is this. : If you are going to be caddy and talk about someone who is standing next to you, make sure you use your indoor voice so they don’t hear you. Learn the art form, it will save your favorite shirt in the closet!